


A life with you in it can never be small

by Talimee



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Character Death, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Experimental writing, Fluff and Angst, M/M, More angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 10:10:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12318927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talimee/pseuds/Talimee
Summary: Three similar beginnings, three scenes branching away from it. The common denominator: Emil's love for Lalli.The third chapter is the one you have to avoid if character death is not for you.





	1. I'll have your back

**Author's Note:**

> First Scene - Arriving in Iceland
> 
> canon-compliant, Emil's POV, post-mission

If he closed his eyes, and let himself fall and spread out and sink into the silence _behind_ the noises, he could convince himself that they were alone. Lalli in his arms and pressed against his chest, feeling so _right_ , their legs intertwined, their breaths the only moving things around them. He would sink deeper and deeper, becoming entranced with his beloved's smell, his warmth and weight on his body.

But then Lalli's breath hitched in his throat and a small shudder ran through his frail frame and Emil was forcefully ripped back into the real world and, once again, tried to curl himself tighter around his friend to provide him with the sense of weight and security Lalli needed so badly right now. With a snap his surroundings were back as well: unobtrusive background music a far way off, the chink of glasses and sophisticated laughter.

Emil wrestled with the apology that rose to his lips – it would do nothing good, be too late, too little and blasé – and put his lips to Lalli's ear, continued the string of nonsense he had been whispering ever since he had found Lalli's refuge and taken him into his arms. He felt another slight tremor run through the stick-thin body but this one was weak in comparison to the first, and the shortest one yet.

He should have put his foot down about the matinée, Emil knew.

It was too soon after they had stepped off the dreadful quarantine-ship, it was too soon for Lalli to regain even a lick of self-control over his revolting stomach. It was far too soon to see his cousin.

The _live_ one.

Emil had been shocked to see the shadow of a man sitting in a wheelchair and being handled by Siv and a nurse. Lalli had taken it infinitely worse.

When Lalli was led into a small separate room by the other two remaining Finns of the expedition, Emil had seen the tremors start. He had wanted to follow Lalli so badly! Even more, he had wanted to take Lalli away from it! But this was a private moment, between family, the first time Lalli had seen his cousin since they parted ways. But Emil was an outsider, with no right whatsoever of butting in …

The small look Lalli had thrown at him over his shoulder still burned into Emil's stomach.

So he had practically glued himself to the wall next to the door, straining to listen the dull murmurs from within, vowing to burst in as soon as he heard one note of distress in Lalli's voice.

But then the voices had died down.

Emil had ripped the door open instantly, shouting Lalli's name but found only Onni and Taru staring back at him. He had barged through the room and out the opposite door, down a short corridor, down a flight of stairs, and up again … He had cursed the layout of the mayoral mansion in a muttered litany a thousand times over before a small whimper caught his ear and he found Lalli curled up on a window-sill behind a thick curtain. Wordlessly, he had offered his arms and Lalli, in a show of trust that wrung Emil's heart because he didn't deserve it, had flung himself into them with all the might he could muster.

In their little hide away behind velvet curtains, Emil lifted one hand from its incessant stroking of Lalli's back and let it slide into Lalli's hair, gently redrawing the circling motions his hands had so often done during decontamination. Another fraction of stress flowed out of his friend at that and Emil let himself drift back into the moment, let narrow his world again until the touch and smell and sound of Lalli were all that constituted it.

Emil still felt despicable. When Lalli had needed him most, when confronted with and by his grieving cousin, he, Emil, had failed to stand at Lalli's side and support him. His arms tightened around Lalli again and his heart fluttered when the lithe Finn flowed closer into his frame.

He would not go until Lalli was ready to go, he vowed. He would not leave him again. Before, Emil had dreamed of riches and a glorious future carved from the misfortunes of his past. But he knew himself now. And he knew that wherever Lalli was, he would be as well.

 


	2. I'll be your shield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second Scene - In a public place
> 
> AU - modern times, Emil's POV, established relationship

If he closed his eyes, and let himself fall and spread out and sink into the silence _behind_ the noises, he could convince himself that they were alone. Lalli in his arms and pressed against his chest, feeling so _right_ , their legs intertwined, their breaths the only moving things around them. He would sink deeper and deeper, becoming entranced with his beloved's smell, his warmth and weight on his body.

But then Lalli's breath hitched in his throat and a small shudder ran through his frail frame and Emil was forcefully ripped back into the real world and, once again, tried to curl himself tighter around his boyfriend to provide him with the sense of weight and security Lalli needed so badly right now. With a snap his surroundings were back as well: unobtrusive background music, squeaky sneakers on linoleum and the soft sounds of a busy shop quieting down.

He should have known never to take Lalli to a major furniture store on a weekend. But what where the alternatives when both of them held down a full-time job …?

He pressed his eyes shut and willed them away as he heard a series of steps approaching and stop in front of the bed. _Too early!_

„Um, hello?“, came an uncertain voice from above. „I couldn't help noticing that you have been a while under there already. Um. Do you need help? Shall I call a doctor?“

Emil translated this in the privacy of his head into: _What the hell are you doing down there?! I'm not paid enough to deal with whiny children_ _ **and**_ _wackos in one shift._ He tightened his grip around Lalli for a precious one or two seconds, loathing that he had to let him go for even an instant, and then opened his arms.

Lalli's small whimper cursed through him like lightning.

“I'm back in a moment”, he whispered soothingly and pushed himself backwards.

The woman who had spoken was a middle-aged clerk, her hair in a messy bun at her neck, pencil behind her ear and a mix of exasperation and annoyance in her eyes as she scrutinized him through her spectacles.

Emil smiled at her and she faltered.

Lie, bedazzle, flirt.

Stretch the truth as far as possible and point it away from you.

Keep talking and keep radiating that nothing you do or say is odd. Everything is as it's meant to be because a Västerström is doing it.

He had learned from the best and for once he had been an apt student. He may have forsworn the lifestyle of sham his parents were leading but he'd swear that the sky was green and dotted with fish if it meant that he could gift Lalli with a few more seconds of precious sanctuary.

So he smiled, and bedazzled, and lied until the poor woman did not know what to think or who to believe. Because of Lalli and of the light, nearly non-existent touch Lalli's hand left on him when it closed around his ankle when Emil stood up.

Emil watched as the clerk walked around a corner before he slid under the bed again. Semi-darkness engulfed him, along with Lalli's arms.

“How are you feeling?”, he whispered.

Lalli kissed him instead of an answer.

“Are you ready to leave?”

The murmur drifting up from Lalli's lips and the way he curled himself around Emil was answer enough. He closed his eyes and burrowed his nose in Lalli's hair. Let the world run past them. This was what he wanted and lived for.

 


	3. I'll pave the way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Third Scene - Denmark is where it ends
> 
> canon divergent, Emil's POV, major character death

If he closed his eyes, and let himself fall and spread out and sink into the silence _behind_ the noises, he could convince himself that they were alone. Lalli in his arms and pressed against his chest, feeling so _right_ , their legs intertwined, their breaths the only moving things around them. He would sink deeper and deeper, becoming entranced with his beloved's smell, his warmth and weight on his body.

But then Lalli's breath hitched in his throat and a small shudder ran through his frail frame and Emil was forcefully ripped back into the real world and, once again, tried to curl himself tighter around his love to provide him with the sense of weight and security Lalli needed so badly right now. With a snap his surroundings were back as well: screeching trolls nearby, the smell of burning plastic and a coldness in his bones that wouldn't go away.

_Oh._

He should have known not to run blindly towards Lalli when that group of trolls had broken through the old brick-walls. Lalli was quick and light on his feet. Lalli was a Scout and a Mage and could probably run circles around a bunch of trolls until they gave up out of sheer exasperation.

Emil couldn't. And when the Giant broke through the front of the house, bringing half the ancient structure down because it had become as much a part of its body as the countless humans it had ingrown, Emil did not stand a chance.

Something in his breath must have changed enough for Lalli to notice because he pushed himself up and away from Emil and looked at him.

Emil heard his arms drop to the ground more than he felt it. It didn't matter. Lalli was looking at him and somewhere, deep down, Emil still felt some warmth. It made him smile and it made tears come to his eyes but he quickly blinked them away.

Lalli wasn't crying. He was shaking worse than ever, but looking almost blank as if his mind refused to understand, what his body already knew.

Emil wished he could lift his hand to cup Lalli's face again.

Back then in Mora, when all of this – whatever _this_ was – had started and now ended for him. It was no use mourning the could-have-been, he thought to himself, angrily, when his eyes went blurry again.

Lalli was looking at him. Like Emil had wished so often someone would look at him – seeing him as a person to know better and, perhaps, to become friends with. A real friend.

No.

Something more.

Lalli's eyes made up his whole world. He reached down somewhere outside Emil's field of vision and Emil dimly felt his arms being crossed on his chest and small, long-fingered hands closed around his big and coarse ones. Maybe they were both shaking.

He felt himself sink back into the background-noises, unravelling into the bitter cold.

Lalli's eyes were grey like the sea.

This was as good as it would ever get.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For months I have sat on the first two paragraphs and tried to spin a story out of them. The second chapter is what I had originally in mind for it but it never fell into place. But dumping the whole thing didn't feel right either, especially since I really love the first two paragraphs and honestly consider them my most vivid writing so far. So I decided to experiment a bit and open the Floodgates of Pointless Angst.  
> I hope you enjoyed it. =)


End file.
